|Bluetooth? Check. Steely smug stare? Check.|
Yeah... this guys gonna be just fine.
If you are reading this post on the date that I originally typed it, you know that we have approximately 353 days left until the end of the world. Or even less if you are reading the back links of our site prior to Doomsday. Or if you are reading this after the end of civilization let me first just commend your incredible selection of a Wifi connection and secondly let me congratulate you on making it to the other side. I've no doubt died in the uproar and if zombie apocalypse movies are any indication of my impending demise, I was taken out while trying to take a pee break in the woods by myself. No matter... I don't really want to live in a Mad Max society anyways. And you know what? Upon further introspection, I don't think any of us really want to live in a world that's populated with the kind of people that are able to survive the end of the world. Just think about it. The level of douchbaggery that it takes to be so pigheaded that you would try to defy the destiny of the human race and trek on is almost unimaginable. That's like a brontosaurus stubbornly deciding he'd much rather be alive and fronting a late 80's/ early 90's rock band then ... you know... extinct. The humongous balls on these guys. These survivors. In no kind of order, here goes the kinds of personalities you meet in the after-apocalypse. Maybe you'll think twice about building that fall-out shelter.
- The guy/gal that knowingly gets into the 15 items or less express lane with too many items on the belt
I dunno what it is inside a person's character (or lack thereof) that makes them think it's ever ok to do this. I'm not talking about casual offenders that have two-four items too many when the regular lines are packed with elderly people with fifty-eleven coupons, trying to pay in pennies and war bonds. If you sometimes do this I'll excuse you every time (and I'll even look the other way as I roll my eyes at you... cause I'm generous like that) and pretend I don't know how to count. But for the people who habitually place 20, 25, 40 freakin items on the 15 items or less belt and then stand there as if they dare us to say something... yeah these people need to be stopped. But sadly, I've never... not even once... witnessed a cashier tell the person to pick their crap up, put it back in the cart and wheel their 17 boxes of frozen waffles and Astroglide (I don't judge) to the nearest regla shopper lane. Not never. So in a way, because so few of us speak up and put our footsies down, these kind of people think it's ok to buck the rules. This kind of dickbag will make it into the Apocalypse based purely on their sheer determination to screw over other folks and put their own selfish needs first.
|And no those two packs of toilet tissue do NOT count as one item.|
- The parent(s) who bring their little children to R-rated movies.
I mean really? I always thought this was a myth. I couldn't wrap my head around the level of dickitude it requires to decide instead of waiting for a night that you can get a babysitter or a relative that owes you a favor to watch your bad ass Bebe's kids, to just bring little Johnny and Sally to the movies with you and hope they know well enough to play earmuffs when the dirty or violent scenes come on the screen. That was until I had the better part of 2/3rds of Saw IV ruined by some horrible 'rent and her children of the maize rag tag team of ankle biters. Even worse is the people who actually think it's ok to bring a baby into a movie. A baby!!! So now not only do we have to be robbed by Hollywood with a movie that we've already seen the best parts of in trailers and a theatre that charges us more for a box of Goobers than we make in an hour, we have to sit through the whole thing with some screaming nipple succler ruining the ending of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo all because some idiot doesn't understand MPAA ratings. These are the kind of people that will thrive in the after-civilization. And not only will they survive... their dumbass little families will be there too to ruin it for everyone.
- The guy at work that heats up his leftover fish in the microwave and stinks up your entire lunch hour
Really. Who is this guy? He's always from a department you don't interact with. He's always taking his lunch break at the same time as you and he is always (ALWAYS!!!!) warming up something that smells like a combination of food garbage and morning breath. Fish really should be outlawed as an acceptable entree to bring to work. Now you have to go eat your Pad Thai in your car like a trucker and hope you don't spill any peanut sauce on your dress shirt because you know you've got that important meeting at 2. This guy sucks. Completely unaware of the comfort level of others. Never mind that you're not even sure if he works there and could just be some random guy there to get his fill of free coffee and use the copy machine. Dudes like this will run rampant in the new world. Primarily because they have gained so much experience utilizing the resources of others to their own advantages and they are unfazed by being labeled the "weird" guy. In fact, they probably already live off the grid in the woods somewhere. All the better for when society breaks down and the cities run red with the blood of hipsters. Too bad he'll probably be the guy to "accidentally" cross bow me in the back of the head as I try to go pee out in the woods by my lonesome.
--- Vanity in Peril