Holiday Leftovers

awk·ward (ôk w rd). adj.


1. Lacking grace or ease of movement

2. That span of time between January 1 and February 13 where one or more parties attempts to break off their relationship in avoidance of Valentines Day

   We've all been there before. You're in that trying relationship with ol' what'shis/herface and you don't want to be the ass that broke up with your partner during the holidays so you trek through Thanksgiving stuffing and Christmas festivities trying not to give the screw face. But by the time you watch the ball drop together, you're ready for the other shoe to go along with it. Sometimes you both know it's the end and you're both just trying to avoid being labeled the bad guy, or maybe just one of you does. One thing is for certain though, you're not spending another  dime on a card and gift for this person come Singles Awareness Day. 

Bad holiday relationships are like Xmas trees. Best to get rid of them
before the Easter Bunny comes.

   

   Assuming you're not the come on out and say it-type, VIP provides you with a couple of sneaky ways to get your mate to do your dirty work for you. Come February you'll have lots of free time in your schedule (for crying in your beer about how you'll never find anybody to love you) and you can thank Vanity in Peril for getting you there...

• Refer to his sports pass-times in trivial terms especially when his favorite team is on. I wrote about these female sports fails a few months ago, you can reference any of those tricks here or try this one below.

Ex. You: "Hey babe, Don't you think the Seattle Seahawks costumes are a way prettier shade of green than the Philadelphia Eagles? 

Them: "No I don't, for starters. Secondly: they aren't called 'costumes' and lastly, you know Michael Vick is my favorite player. Why would you even say that?!"

You: "O I don't pay attention to silly things like that. Go back to watching your football recital pumpkin butt, smooches."

[ Approximate number of days it will take them to break up with you: As soon as the playoffs are over. Even sooner if you pull this one out while your partner has friends over.]

• Walk around your place wearing nothing but an old pair of their underwear. When they question why you have them on exclaim "These are yours? Crap! I gotta make a phone call" and then quickly throw on your clothes, grab your cell and keys and tell them you're going for a walk. Return hours later with a cat that ate the canary smirk on your face and then go right to bed.*

[Approximate number of days it will take for them to give you your walking papers: 7 or even less if their ass is crazy]

• Immediately following sexy time, take a knee like Tebow. If this doesn't seem to bother them, explain that you were just taking a moment to praise your lord and savior, Superman. If this still doesn't phase them, try a different touchdown dance. May we suggest Aaron Rogers and his discount double-check?

[Approximate number of days it will take for them to go Gone till November on your janky ass: 3 ]

• Delete all of her DVR'd episodes of Real Househoes of Transylvania, Basketball Wives, Love and Hip Hop, Mob Wives, etc etc before she has a chance to watch any of them.  When she asks you what happened to them, say you don't know. Later that night, have a fake-cell phone conversation with your mom where you recap every episode. 

And then that chick Evelyn was all like... what's that? Yeah I can make it
to the strip club tonight. And every other night this week.

[Approximate number of days it will take for them to start blasting this song and packing up your duffel bag: this will happen immediately]

• Create an E-harmony profile for them online and leave the page up on your laptop. Then simply walk out of the room. 

---  Vanity in Peril

*Don't do this under any circumstances if you are currently partnered up with someone with rage issues. But if they have rage issues, you should probably stop dating them now anyway, huh?