The Rudest Peeps We Know

My bad, I totally thought you were Blake Griffin when I agreed to marry you.

  

   The other day while trying to pick out cheese in my local Wegmans another shopper made the common mistake of overshooting just how much space she had to get her cart (and her rather large badonkatrunk) through the aisle space without hitting another person. Now, admittedly, I was a bit dramatic about the wheel running over the back of my heel. Very rarely do I get to unleash my inner sassy black woman and make good christian tax-payers uneasy with my human beatbox impersonation.  I didn't need to go to the emergency room or anything drastic like that. It still ticked me off though because her apology did not cut the mustard. Instead of her tending to me immediately and making good with the common American use of the words "I'm sorry" little (big) Miss bla bla decided to keep on rolling by and turned back only once to utter the two words that I'm sure are what caused Bruce Banner to go all grrr arghhh in the first place: my bad 

What's that? This is your house? Well, my bad... that's
pretty much obvs.

my bad


(n.) A combination of an apology and a dismissal. Basically, saying "oh yeah, I did that, but I don't care".



Persons of an older generation can find this quite annoying to hear when expecting an actual apology.

"Hey, you spilled my Coke all over me!"



"Oh. My bad."



"#@%$!"

Sourse: Urbandictionary.com



My bad: the simultaneously greatest and rudest two words in the English language. They don't even mean anything, really. Let's break it down, shall we? We have "my" meaning ownership, personal responsibility, etc. And then to that ownership you add the word "bad" which I guess when you put it together is supposed to replicate the inculpable excuses of a four year old. Why don't we just say "uh-oh, spaghettios" while we're shirking responsibility and breaking the office fax machine? What does saying "my bad" have to do with a person's acknowledgement of wrong-doing, anyway? O nothing? Well, my bad. See?! You feel at the same time vindicated and spat upon, am I right? My bad has this magical ability to make the person using it absolved from all wrong-doing in just about the laziest way imaginable. It's kind of like paying for a million-dollar celebrity guest, New Orleans-style funeral for a buddy and then getting pissy at the left-behind family members for accusing you of being the dude that actually murdered him in the first place. My bad gets my vote to replace actual apologies in this still young, extra sarcastic, kinda- douchy decade. Here are just a couple of places you can try using my bad to replace actual heartfelt apologies:


The DMV:

This one works in two ways. You can either use it as the over-worked and always pleasant DMV worker (because aren't they all?) who failed to advise the patron that they filled out the wrong form and need to get out of line and get the correct form and take a new number and wait in line all over again even though they asked you two hours ago if they had the correct form to get their motorcycle license with and you told them yes... yeah you can just simply say "my bad" as you shoo them back to the end of the line and away from your two by four square of cubicle. And as the patron you can try using "my bad" for the reason you didn't know it wasn't cool to beat a state employee to a state of unconsciousness with your left shoe. I think the police will go for it. Try it out, see how it works for you. *

Or you could just go back to the end of the line like the push-over that you are.

   Or let's say you've suddenly found yourself in the midst of some kind of national scandal... like you're being accused of getting too handy-grabby with the female staff of your company. Or maybe you took the street-term "stop snitching" a wee bit personal and now the country (minus what seems to be an entire college campus of morons) is way ticked off at you for not doing the right thing. Or let's say you've been caught in the throws of passion with a pre-op prostitute by your wife in some seedy hotel room and you're trying to find just the right words to say to smooth things over and possibly turn this awkward moment into a potential threesome...

I can't believe that really worked.

*Don't try this.

---  Vanity in Peril