So Not 'Towering Infernos'

Where were you the day the Earth Did the Stanky Leg?


   Unless you've been living under a rock ( or get all of your news from ESPN), you've no doubt heard that the NE was rocked to its very core today when an earthquake hit Mineral Virginia, sending ripples all the way up the Northeast coast that could be felt as far away as Martha's Vineyard.  I was in my apartment at the time, enjoying my day off with some sweet potato chili fries and my DVD copy of Season 6 of American Dad when terror struck the region. Hailing originally from the Left Coast, I knew what to do in an emergency so with little time to react, I paused Roger and the gang, grabbed my cat Lucy and headed for the doorway. As I stood there waiting for the apartment to either collapse or explode, it dawned on me that it was the end of the world. When we stopped shaking (roughly 15 seconds later) I turned on the local news stations and confirmed what I had suspected. Over the course of the next three hours I sat flipping back and forth between channels as newscasters tried desperately to stretch a 15 second story into a full afternoon/evening of an event. Buildings had been evacuated, books had been lifted from their safe and sturdy Ikea shelving units and bystanders lined the streets with tales of heroic rescues and courage under fire...

Rock, flag and EAGLE!!!!!

... but then it went on. And on... and on some mo'. Until yours truly started to wonder if half of the people they were interviewing had even actually felt the 5.8 category earthquake or if they were just angling for some face time with the cameras. The thing is, there's really only a couple of ways to describe the events of a minor earthquake and sadly no one seemed to have ever mentioned this little fact to the local reporters. Instead we were regaled with tired tale after tale of "I was standing there and the chairs started to shake and bla bla bla!" People were acting like it was the sequel to 9-11 (9-12 Back with a Vengeance!) Or the end of the world. My Facebook and Twitter feeds were filled with updates that ranged from the mundanely comical ( "whoa, what was that?") to the downright retarded ( "this is a sign we all need to get right with God. He's mad because we let the gays marry in NY. Repent... repent!!!") In an attempt to get in on all this end world crazayness, I took to the streets. Armed with my mini-recorder and my Walter Cronkite worthy trench coat, I was able to capture the following testimonials:

Real Life Accounts of the August 23, 2011 Earthquake that Rocked the NE region of the United States:




Mildred in Woodbury Heights: Oh my Gosh I was like standing there with my kids and then we like felt the ground shake and the house moved a little and I looked at the dog and the dog looked back at me and I looked at the dog looking at me looking at him and we were all like “whaaaaaaaa”.

Chuck from Philadelphia: We were all sitting there, about to go over the minutes from yesterday’s meeting and I felt the earth shake and at first I was like “Bob, did you fart again? I told you to lay off the Thai food!” But then we realized it was the end of the world so we all crammed into the elevator and went down to the ground level and waited. Nobody knew what was going on so I took that as a prime opportunity to take a half day and went to go play ball with my homies at home.

Anonymous (from the New Jersey Governor’s capitol office): I was just sitting in my office slashing public school funding and working on my third helping of pasta primavera when all of the sudden my meatball rolled off of my plate and onto the floor. Naturally, I got down on all fours and crawled after it. As I sat there in the fetal position, I knew that this was a sign from the Almighty God himself that he is angry at the Democratic Party and their left-wing, bleeding heart liberal agenda to desecrate the sacred unity of marriage and force all United States citizens to learn Spanish as a first language.



“John” from DC: I was just wrapping up a “business meeting” with my secretary at the Howard Johnson Motel when she turned on her side and said; “Baby, I felt the Earth move!” I stated; “Well thanks honey but don’t thank me, thank the Enzyte”. Moments later when we cleared up that little misunderstanding (and cleaned up the mess) I raced home to my wife to make sure she was okay. Times like this, really makes you think about what’s important.





Note: These are completely fabricated accounts. If you think these are real, please send me $50 in a self addressed state envelope to PO Box 1234 Crank Street Collingswood, NJ 08108


---  Vanity in Peril