Mark Zuckerberg has turned us all into pretentious little jerks! Something about the Facebook brings out the worst in mankind. Your average mild-mannered mother of three all the sudden morphs into a lusty MILF in a Maxim-girl cover shoot. Your mechanic now thinks he has carte blanche to start waxing poetic about the virtues of self-discipline like he's Guy Freakin' Kawasaki (that's his actual middle name, look it up!) We don't know what it is that's in the formula that's causing us to behave like diamond-encrusted douchebags but we think it goes something like; 5x+4y-√of Myspace=Σ nene leakes. As Facebook further stakes it's claim for total world domination (btw, you can "like" our Facebook page here), the citizens of the world try our best to one-up Spencer Pratt as the douchiest person on the globe. As reactions from the final installment in the Harry Potter franchise started to trickle in for those who went to see the midnight screening, I sat in astonishment as one of my dear FB friends spoiled the ending of the movie with a not so cleverly veiled status update. Unforgivable as that may be, it pales in comparison to the daily capitol offenses committed every day by the people we call friends, family and colleagues. On any given day in the land of Zuckerberg, you're likely to find these vapid displays of behavior *. Such as:
- 20 "friends" grandstanding about their glamorous lives that in reality are not that great: Seriously folks, was the white-party in the Hampton's with Diddy, Jaden Smith and the entire cast of True Blood really that legendary that you found it necessary to update your status every 15 freakin minutes with every minute detail for us common folk (Our e-vites must have gotten lost in the mail)? The last time I checked, you were an administrative assistant at RentaCenter and you drive a 1996 Dodge Neon so please spare us the hullabaloo. And if we see one more status update about you getting lattes with Rachel Zoe in Soho we'll be forced to twitpic your actual day's events; grocery shopping at the Wegmans in a comfy pair of jeggings. The Zoe would NEVER approve.
- 15 "friends" tagged in a photo album that's just some idiot trying to hawk sneakers or some facially irresponsible attention-whore in a g-string making googly eyes at the camera with her Iphone in a dirty Dennys bathroom mirror. It's hard enough trying to balance work, play and the inner-workings of a core group of friendships, now we have to navigate through the sea of fake people online whose only intent to befriend you was so that they can post images of the new Nike Air Gaudy? Not to mention the pics of "ladies" bent bare ass naked over a barrel for no apparent reason other than to garner the same amount of male attention that they could have received had they chosen to go tailgating at a Drake concert wearing nothing but a left nipple pasty and an empty smile that says; I don't know who my real father is. All because some mouth-breathing entrepreneur can't bare to hit "decline" on an un-solicited friend request?! Please excuse us while we use all of our collective mental energy to ensure you never go online again. In fact, how's about reading a book for a change and meeting friends the old fashioned way? In a van down by the river.
- 10 "friends" sharing the same tired links we've all already seen/read/heard about. Yes, our internets get the Youtube too. We've seen the clip of the squirrel water skiing already and we are no longer lol-ing. In fact, If you post one more clip of a cat using the toilet (it thinks it's people!) like we all haven't already seen it on the first season of Tosh.0 we're going to get together as a group and hurl you from the tallest mountain. Same goes for the "experts" who try to enlighten us with their daily Gandhi quote of the day or the wannabe Dane Cooks who eye-rape us with their bland off-color jokes that seem to be plagiarized from a sadistic ten year-old who's just stolen his stepfather's girlie mags and had his first sip of Smirnoff Ice. We know you aren't that hip, smart or funny in real life. In fact, we only hang out with you because you make our own jokes seem funnier in comparison. Stay in your lane, young Obi-Wan.
- 5 "friends" changing their relationship status every five seconds. This goes along with the other forms of "over-sharers" out there. Yes we know that life sucks right now and that your girlfriend cheated on you with Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike (and don't forget Ralph!) but do we really have to hear you whine incessantly about how horrible of a person she was, how lonely you are and how that thing on your lip won't clear up? Read a book or get a hobby that doesn't involve you treating Facebook like your own 24 hour suicide prevention line. The dating world is tough out there. Get a helmet and get back up on the horse. Or don't. Whatever, point is...we don't want to hear about it anymore. The next person to go on and on about an ex-flame who went all Gone to November on their ass gets 40 lashes, a wet willie from Snookie and is forced to watch How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days ten times in a row, in reverse!
- 1 cranky person complaining about it all b/c they are too lazy to go over to "the twitter".
|Don't bother, little guy. She's only going to break your heart.|
|We sure hope not.|
*On any given day you are equally as likely to find us engaging in one or more of these behaviours as well. Color us
So what's the status, Gladys? Did we leave anybody out? Is Facebook sure to lead to the breakdown in society? before that happens, be sure to visit our page and "like" us... you know, before the mole people get us.
--- Vanity in Peril