Vanity in Peril!: What America's Watching

I have two great jobs while most of America is unemployed. God bless us!

When I am having an especially rough week, nothing soothes my soul better than watching an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos. I'm not embarrassed to say that. I feel proud. Patriotic, even. I mean, this is our country's greatest export of home-video and web-cam created bag-o-chuckles. I'm a long time watcher, I'm talking about extra cheesy-Bob Saget era as a kid, AFV watcher here. Today's version, hosted by DWTS host Tom Bergeron, is only mildly cheesy. To be honest, I've been kind of cheating on AFV for about a year now. That is with the introduction of Tru t.v. and their smorgasbord of video clip shows with titles such as; It Only Hurts When I Laugh and World's Dumbest. I can't help myself. These shows are awesome. First of all, they quench my insatiable blood-thirst to see dudes get hit in the balls repeatedly. They have no problem meeting my strict quota of three guy gets hit in the balls shots per day. They do so with ease. Basically that's all dudes do with flipcams nowadays, record themselves getting kicked, punched, hit or landing on their crotch region. I don't hate it at all. God bless America.

Seriously folks, God bless us.

Comparing AFV to this new breed of video show is kind of unfair. The former is targeted toward a more family-friendly audience. It was hosted by the dude that rocked out with Uncle Jesse and his Rippers and those darn Olsen twins before they went all Little Edie in Grey Gardens for goodness sakes! They have to cater to a generic audience. That's why a lot of the winners of the show are often warm and fuzzy kids clips that are tragically unfunny. Except for these two kids. This clip's cool as ice, homies. What the new kids on the block bring to the table are clips of people doing dumb things with the assistance of alcohol, something AFV steers away from in an attempt to (I guess) corner the ABC Family market.

Because when I think of wholesome, I think of the network that
brought us Pretty Little Liars.

Now if you have never watched one of these shows and you are more used to the aw shucks shenanigans of AFV, I'd suggest going a little lite at first and easing yourself into it. I'll give you a heads up; you're going to see clips of people getting hit by cars. You'll see crappy magicians jamming nails through their palms, juiceheads breaking cinder blocks with their brainless skulls and skater kids breaking bones on the half-pipe. Because the show is not type-cast as an American only program, they can also include clips from other countries. This is good (trust me) because you get to see how dumb the rest of the world is too. Asian government and business men love to throw fisticuffs at meetings. Russian people love to get drunk and fight at weddings (za zdorovie!). People who run with the bulls often get trampled. Every anchorwoman in Brazil is extremely hot. These are just a few of the things I've learned since I started watching. The shows also incorporate footage from police squad vehicles and surveillance videos. They capture hilarious footage of people stumbling and bumbling their way through DUI stops. You can also see bozos unsuccessfully robbing convenience stores with all the stealth of the Hamburglar.

You look that way while I steal Grimaces wallet.

I should warn you, as with all great things there comes a price to pay. Some of these shows include commentary from Hollywood's gosh what's the opposite of up and coming?... ahem down and fading D-list roster of stars. You may have to sit through Tonya Harding doing Tonya Harding things while she tries (unsuccessfully) to make us forget she tried to murder Nancy Kerrigan. Or you may stumble upon Lonnie Love going halfsies on a hot dog with Danny Bonaduce. Point is, the "stars" are not the stars of the show, it's the clips that shine bright. Unlike with Tosh.0, the viewer gets to enjoy each clip for the pure simple delicious nuggets that they are without all the play by play. Chuck Nice and the rest of the Tru t.v. crew notwithstanding, each show is chock-filled with outstanding levels of cosmic stupidity hand-picked just for you and I to enjoy. My only gripe (other than the Tonya Harding thing) is that they sometimes run these shows in huge blocks over the weekend and ruin my entire Saturday afternoon.