Vanity in Peril Trims the Movie Fat

  

   Basic cable has been playing the movie Titanic on television for the past month or so. Titanic was an epic movie of all proportions. The movie launched the careers of Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet and made James Cameron (pre Avatar, post Terminator) relevant again, despite the fact that it was single-handedly responsible for the breakup of Linda Hamilton's marriage to the director. Yeah, we went there. At the first time that I saw this movie, as a pre-teen in the theatre with my mother, I thought it was the greatest film ever created. Teen-angst hyperbole aside, the movie still holds up pretty well in the over ten years since its release. Well, not exactly... that's too blanket of a statement. The special FX and the overall tone of the movie are spot on. Watching the movie as an adult, however, reveals several gaping plot conundrums that take me the viewer out of the whole movie-magic experience.

Such as the scene where Jack ascertains the whereabouts of Rose's blue diamond by infiltrating her dreams.
Like... what was up with that? 

   Plot holes aren't the only thing that plague this flick, however. The movie runs approximately two hours too long for the VIP team's taste, taking the time to show us the development of a romance between two characters that are doomed to play the cruelest game of Go Fish ever. At one moment, I screamed at the screen; "Just sink already!" No film, be it a summer blockbuster or an indie sleeper, needs to run over two hours. I don't care what the subject matter is. I shouldn't be able to go to work and come back and the damn ship is still not in the water. In fact, I took it upon myself ( with a little help of my at-home movie editing software) to trim several scenes from this film to make it more "user-friendly" for me, removing any and every scene that does not pertain to the sinking of the great Titanic. Those were the best scenes anyway. Everything else is unimportant.

Unless of course you count each time Billy Zane's eyelashes appeared on camera to chew up the scenery as "important".

   With my new "directors" cut version of Titanic I was able to cut the movie down to around 45 minutes. Gone was the sappy love story and the boring class struggle on the ship. Scene one: Titanic ships off. Scene two: Titanic hits the iceberg. Bing Bang boom and roll credits! So much time was saved, I decided to bake a cake and celebrate. (chocolate with cream cheese icing, thanks for asking) Titanic isn't the only movie that suffers from being too long winded. The team here at VIP decided to give our suggestions on some other movies that could stand to trim their own fat. And the list is...

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button---2008--- Run time...166 minutes

   I distinctly remember sitting in the movie theatre watching this film, wondering to myself; why bother going to see a Brad Pitt movie when he spends half the film playing the old wrinkly guy from the Six Flags commercials?! I walked out of the theatre disappointed.

• The VIP Edit: No Ben Button as an old man. This means we'll need to cut out the first 45 minutes of the movie. Or we suggest just starting the movie 45 minutes in. Brad Pitt hasn't looked this hot since Legends of the Fall. You'll thank us later.

• The Dark Knight---2008---Run time 152 minutes

         We think this story could have been told in less than the over two hours it took to tell it. With too many characters, too many plot twists and not enough actual scenes with Batman--- one of our favorite movies of 2008 receives a failing grade for failing to be concise.

• The VIP Edit: Cut out the entire Aaron Eckhart Two-Face story and save it for the follow-up movie. Remove all traces of Maggie Gyllenhaal's performance as it serves no purpose other than to remind us that the only movie we like Maggie in is Secretary. With those two payasos out of the way, more time can be spent to develop the characters of Christian Bale's Batman and the late Heath Ledger's Joker gets more screen time.
• Splice---2009---Run time---104 minutes

          There used to be a time when a person could trust that any movie Adrien Brody was a part of was sure to be good. (see: The Pianist. also: The Jacket) But with recent lackluster scripts such as that dreadful Predators installment and this movie, there is no longer a safe bet on Brody's decision-making skills. While this movie is not that long, it certainly felt like time stood still as I watched it in the theatres. In fact, you're probably better off just skipping this one altogether.

VIP Movie Edit: Just skip this one and watch Species.





   So those are our contributions. Are there any movies that you skip because of their extreme long in the toothiness?


---  Vanity in Peril